brand_o

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 21:48:49 GMT

Im a worthless piece of garbage. My live in boyfriend says I do nothing and he does everything. He always bitches when he has to do (or just does) one simple household thing. He washed 3 dishes and unloaded the dishwasher today and went nuts. He had the nerve to say "you dont help me around here" excuse me! WHO CLEANS THE BATHROOM EVERYDAY, WHO CLEANS THE KITCHEN EVERYDAY, WHO CLEANS THE BEDROOM EVERYDAY, WHO CLEANS THE LIVING ROOM EVERYDAY. Oh darn you do the freakin laundry every once in a while and youve vacuumed 3 times the whole 7 months weve lived here...but of course i do nothin. The house must just keep itself cleaned all by itself. WOW everyone should have a place like mine. He says we live in a dirthole. WHAT IS DIRTY! He picks out every little thing i dont do in that minute...im going freakin nuts here. I think this is verbal abuse...well it sure feels like it is.

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 21:49:42 GMT

GRRRRRRRRRR. I could just hate myself but at the same time love myself. I just threw up again. My stomach hurts now.

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 21:13:30 GMT

I have a test tomorrow that I am studying for. My mind goes on overload when I study. I seriosly cannot concentrate for more that 45 minutes or Im going nuts. I get so depressed when I study. I mean i really am at some of my lowest points...not only because I hate school and studying...its something else and I cant explain it.

Coffee...I love coffee...when im hungry i drink coffee. That is really bad because it really dehydrates you. Like I need to be dehydrated. But it does turn off the growls from my stomach yelling at me to just have a chicken caesar salad wrap from Subway...ahh much better. Just saying those words seems to fill me up inside.

Do you see me?

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 22:21:10 GMT

Sometimes I feel that Im not even here. I walk through the halls at school and I am simply unnoticed. But I think what is really going on is that I dont want to be noticed. When i see someone looking at me, and I did not look at them first...I tend to look away right away. I walk past wishing that they did not see me. I feel so awkward that I wish I were invisible to that person. On the other hand if i look at someone and they look back and me, Ill give them a smile. its almost like I want to control who gets to notice me and who does not.

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 22:29:59 GMT

Recieved my ephedra pills yesterday. I seriously have to MAKE myself eat cuz I am NOT HUNGRY AT ALL. Love it.

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 01:14:46 GMT

im so irritated. Today was going to well damnit! I thought today was my day.

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 14:49:37 GMT

Im sick...cant stop coughing or sneezing. This blows!

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 14:20:43 GMT

I also think I broke my toe. It went tingly/numb over an hour ago, and it is still the same way. So now my stomach and my toe hurts.

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 14:12:23 GMT

I ate breakfast this morning for the first time in who knows when. I thought I would give my metabolism a boost. I had a serving of special K low carb cereal (100) and skim milk (40). My stomach is cramping up terribly. I dont know what to do, I can barely move! I knew I didnt eat breakfast for a reason~owww!

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 21:07:03 GMT

Well i dont know why i bother...but im taking staker 3's. Im an idiot!

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 13:27:48 GMT

Well the is finally shining! Thats a good thing. i woke up very early today...about 645. Chad could not find his keys. We checked everywhere. Finally I checked out in my car. What do you know, he left them in there! So I guess its a good thing, cuz i didnt go back to sleep and now can do a morning workout! So Im glad he could not find his keys. i also like the fact that he blamed it on my semi-messy room. HAHAAHAHA! NOPE-just your forgetfullness!

Its a beautiful Mornin!

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 15:18:15 GMT

Well not outside. But I got up at about 7 this morning. I had some green tea, check my email, checked livejournal, etc etc...then I went to work out for about an hour. i love have short (1-2hrs) morning workouts. They just wake me up instantly and get my day going in the right direction! Plus, I read the book im supposed to have a quiz on. So I killed two birds with one stone! Loving it!

But...im still fat! lol...im always gonna be fat. So I think I have to look for something brighter in my day to even out the bad!

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 00:45:45 GMT

Some people are just big fat idiots. boo hoo hoo youre so mean, boo hoo hoo you call someone on a bluff...boo hoo hoo.! HAHA yall make me laugh.

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 17:02:17 GMT

Yawn. Chad went to Iowa today with Bill M. They went to go check out a trailor. My parents are always on diets, (my dad has to be a certain weight for dragracing). So they have this stuff from Beach Body. It is a detox shake. So Im took it, and Im going to be taking it for the next two days! Thanks MOM, thanks Dad, I appreciate it LOL!

Well...off to start this boring ass day.

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 18:56:09 GMT

Well its been one hell of a weekend already. Not really all that great just one hell of one. I thought me and my bf were going to over, but hes over my place right now, so I dont think thats gonna happen.

Im sick of my weight. My dad said Im looking really good, but pa-lease. I wish IIII could see that!!!! So i must lose this week or Ill just freak out. And Im not talking no lose/gain/lose gain crap. I dont mind losing slow (well to an extent) because I know it is real weight and It wont come RIGHT back. AHHH we will see.

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 04:16:01 GMT

I was raped and the person that did it was just fucking brought up by my roomates sister. i think im gonna freak out. I need to calm down. I want to cry but im not ready to talk about it face to face.

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 22:53:00 GMT

Well its St. Pattys day...and I am bored outta ma mind. i think ill just start drinkin. My stomach hurts cuz i have only eaten about 90 cals today. But im just not hungry!

Oh what do to what to do...

Good mornin!

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 16:56:01 GMT

Well chad and I made up last night and we always do. Gotta find him a place though, as i am being driven crazy by him and my roomates constant conflict.

Anyways my parents are on their way down to Florida. They made to some town in Georgia and...the tire on the trailor went flat and they didnt even know it. It didnt just go flat, it blew out! I think its kinda funny. I called them at 10:10 and they said they have been driving around since 8 trying to find someone that carried trailor tires. WHY OH WHY did they not just call up their daughter and have her mapquest them a place. It would have been SOOO much easier. I told my Rents that and they were just dumbfounded. oh well, they foudn a place and will be on their way!

On another note, I took 1 ephedra pill this morning (found some old ones). I know i will not be hungry AT ALL the whole day, so to get my metabolism up I decided to eat something small. I took two hard boiled egg whites and split them in half. Then I took salsa (2tbs=10 cals) and divided the 2 tablespoons among the four in the scoop of the egg. ENJOY! And I mean ENJOY! They are soooo sooooo soo good. And they are filling also. Man that is my new favorite snack.

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 23:47:51 GMT

My life sucks! Chad and I got into it last night. I was in the middle of downing some Tylenol PM--took about 6 and he took them away. I didnt want to kill myself, I just wanted to go to sleep for awhile and not feel.

Oh boy! I could NOT sleep. I kept waking up shaking, my arms were tingling really bad. And i would wake up saying odd things and having weird seizure like episodes. It sucked!

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 21:11:30 GMT

Makes me wonder...on the real...why do these girls think they are the KNOW IT ALL of eating disorders. For all i know, they are wannabes themselves. I dont think i trust them too much. Some things they say and I go ask my doctor or psych and they totally disagree. And my psych is a recovered anoretic, so i think she knows her shit.

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 21:09:12 GMT

I asked a question about sex the other day...but the mods at Ed_ucate felt that sex had nothing to do with eating disorders. I cannot believe that they would decide what issues are affected by an ed. I called my therapist/psych and told her about it. She was disgusted. She said that if these people were really there to educate people, than they would know that sex goes hand in hand with self esteem and eating disorders. She said, and I quote from her email she sent me last night "People with eating disorders have common problems in any area that involves the body, directly or indirectly. Being said, a girl that views her body in very negative way (thinks shes unattractive, thinks she is overweight, doesnt like a certain part of her body) often look for recognition from others, especially the opposite sex. When they receive this recognition they will go to extreme measures to keep that persons affection. Many times, girls with eating disorders often think irrationally when it comes to a man wanting to be sexual involved with them. They see it as someone wanting the ugly body that they have, and are happy to give it to them, because they are lacking a positive and healthy relationship with the body themselves. A man can be a very powerful tool in making a female view her body in a positive way, by giving her attention and wanting sex.

So, all in all, you are using this man, Brand. The only reason you want to have sex with him, even though you have a boyfriend is because he is directly giving you attention for you body! You think so down about your body that as soon as someone shows interest in your body, you will do ANYTHING to keep it. And in this case it is sex. So the decision is up to you, but keep in mind that this is the reason you are even debating this issue."

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 02:57:39 GMT

Im a fatass cow that needs to be no more.

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 23:58:01 GMT

Just put on my new clothes (mom took my sister and me shopping the other day). Perfect timing (well almost). My other clothes were starting to become to big on me. My jeans were overlapping underneath my belt. I had to wear large sweatshirts so no one would notice.

Anyways, I look SOOO much better since the weight loss, but STILL still not thin enough. WTF? Im pissed. I lose and lose and lose and lose and I still look in the mirror and see a fat woman. its then i realize, that i was a COW (in my eyes). UGH! By boy is gonna be mad! Cuz im not stopping doing what it takes to be what IIIIIIII feel is thin! Im so disappointed. I mean I thought id lose weight and be happy. I went thru this shit before. i hated the feeling of no matter how small i was, i was still a cow to me. And now, again, im gonna get so skinny hes really gonna start to get pissed.

i dont know what my head is doing to me! Make it stop make it stop.

Test

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 19:58:05 GMT

Well i just took my psych test...and I did great! I think the last 3 tests all which I have not getten back, i did good. Well...time to check the grades *crosses fingers*

GOOOOD FRIIIDAAAYY

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 16:07:16 GMT

Well today should be good! First of all, It is my last day of classes (spring break). Although I have a test today, I think im going to do good on it (another good thing about today). And most of all, I have lost another lb from yesterday. So I am currently 127! I think Im over my plateau!